Have you kissed him yet?! If you’re a female reader, I am sure that might be one question that is in the forefront of your mind as you read my dates with Mr. Knows Just What To Say. If you’re a male, you might be thinking, “If not, I am surprised Mr. KJWTS is even sticking around.” And yes, quite frankly I am too, but I don’t apologize for it. So there is your answer. No we haven’t kissed, even after our date 7 (which will be the next post) this past week. Sorry if the title of this post misled you 😉
In 2011, Lady Antebellum released a song titled “Just a Kiss.” Lady A is one of my favorite Country bands. I am sure you have heard the song, here are some of the lyrics:
“I’ve never opened up to anyone
So hard to hold back when I’m holding you in my arms
We don’t need to rush this
Let’s just take it slow
Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch of the fire burning so bright
No I don’t want to mess this thing up
I don’t want to push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I’ve been waiting for my whole life
So baby I’m alright, with just a kiss goodnight”
Obviously it is about not wanting to ruin a good thing by moving too fast, so instead they will end the night with just a kiss goodnight. I like that song, because I think it has a good message. Moving too fast, especially physically in a relationship, can allow the couple to miss out on such sweet times of getting to know one another without the pressures of how far to go physically. End the night with just a kiss.
But deep down, I always had a bit of a problem with that song and that is because to me, a kiss, is more than JUST a kiss.
Let me give you some background. But before I do, I wanted to let you know that I was hesitant in sharing what I am about to write. I am very open and honest about my thoughts in these blog posts, because I want to be real and authentic with those that choose to read my story. Because if it were me, I wouldn’t want to read blog posts full of fluff. We all have better things to do with our lives. So, as I type my honest feelings into these posts, I pray that somehow, my words will touch someone in someway. So even though being authentic is nothing new to these blog posts, I am about to share something much more personal. And it’s in regards to my past decision about kissing.
So here it is: I am about to be 30 in less than three months and I have never been kissed.
Sweet 16 and never been kissed, sounds cute and sweet and innocent. 30 and never been kissed, sort of just sounds down right…weird. So when I was younger, I had no problem sharing that I was waiting for the right time to kiss and that right time just never presented itself. But now, in my “older age,” I have shied away with sharing this information as much. Although my mom still likes to share it pretty often 🙂 It’s because she is proud of me and I love her for that. It’s kind of like how my dad used to love telling people that his daughter had never received a speeding ticket before. I said, “used to” because I ruined that in 2008.
Have I mentioned that I have great parents? Their support and love and guidance make me feel like a very blessed daughter. I couldn’t imagine “doing life” with anybody else.
The reason I was hesitant to share my lack of experience in kissing, is not because I am embarrassed about it and it’s certainly not because I wish it weren’t true. It’s because with it, comes a bit of an explanation. And, I certainly don’t want others to feel like I am judging them when they choose to kiss on the first date or second date or third date for that matter. Everyone is different and God calls His children to have different life stories. Many Christians even have different convictions from one another and as long as it lines up with God’s Word, it doesn’t make one person “more right” than the other.
So this is my story. And remember, I don’t expect everyone to agree or even to understand. However, as I was praying about whether to approach the topic of kissing in a blog post, I thought that if God has allowed this to be apart of my story, maybe it is for a reason greater than myself. Maybe it is meant to be shared.
I am not sure how it all came about, maybe it was the Christy Miller books (fiction books for Christian teens) that I poured over as a teenager, fantasizing what it would be like to have a healthy God- centered relationship like the two main characters, Christy and Todd. In one of the books, towards the end of the series, I remember Christy explaining (I know, I talk about her like she is a real person), that even though her and Todd were engaged, she wanted to be careful about how long they spent kissing because that would lead to other temptations. At one point she described it as like she was saving her kisses up in a piggy bank for her future husband.
I am sure reading those books were influential in my life, but other factors went into my decision. It might have also been because when I was 16, I chose to protect my heart against guys that were not living for the Lord or guys that were just not right for me period. That decision was made after I found myself easily falling for a smooth talker with a great smile, but I knew his values didn’t line up with my own. I knew that in order to protect my heart, I had to make sure I didn’t kiss the boy. We would still hang out, which of course made me like him more, but I was 16, I had a hard time staying away. Thankfully I was able to keep my “no kissing him” rule though. At one point, he shared with one of my best friends that he was going to kiss me on a particular night. She looked at him and just started laughing and she might have even muttered “good luck.” And because I did like him (a lot), maybe I would have kissed him, maybe I wouldn’t have been able to hold up to the temptation. I am honestly not sure. But what happened was God intervened somehow, because that night, he didn’t even try. Maybe it had to do with my friend laughing at him.
Once I made it past that crush in my life, I realized how great it was to walk away from him, knowing I didn’t even give him a kiss. It made it much easier to get over him. Although, I won’t lie, it still took months and a few tears. It was my first real crush, so you couldn’t expect much less.
I hung out with a few other guys after that but I never wanted to kiss them because I didn’t seem to like them as much as my first crush. And if I didn’t kiss my first crush, I didn’t think I needed to be kissing these other guys. This is when I started to realize that kissing was special to me. It wasn’t JUST a kiss or JUST something to do to end the night together. Kissing to me, meant I really liked the guy, like really really liked him. Kissing meant I fully trusted the guy and I could see “our hanging out” leading to a real full fledge relationship.
In college, I met a godly guy that had also never kissed a girl before. I found that out after a few dates in. At first I thought that must mean he is the one for me, what other college guy would have the same stance on kissing as me?! But then my freakout meter probably got the best of me, either that or we just figured out that we weren’t right for each other and that was over. That made me realize, that the guy that I dated or kissed or married one day, didn’t necessarily have to hold the same convictions that I held in regards to kissing in their past relationships. That wasn’t as important as some other areas.
And when I say convictions, it doesn’t mean I am waiting until my wedding day to kiss. It doesn’t even mean that I am waiting until we are engaged. I don’t know how long I will wait. Maybe it will be date 8 with Mr. KJWTS, maybe it will be on my date 30. Maybe I will wait longer… I don’t know. But now that I have waited so long, whether I like it or not, kissing is going to mean that I am giving a little piece of my heart away. So that is big.
I always wondered when I actually started “dating-dating” if I would end up telling the guy that I have never kissed before or just letting it happen, with him not having that knowledge. I thought maybe he should know, so he would understand why it might take me awhile. But then again, I also knew that by telling him, a ton of pressure would come along with that. Did I want him to feel that much pressure?
And then there was another guy that told me that my inexperience would probably mean that I would not be a good kisser when the time came. He, jokingly, even offered to let me practice with him. I didn’t take him up on the offer, but I walked away having a hard time getting his words out of my head. So much so, that I remember calling up one of my best guy friends and asking him if I was making a mistake by waiting so long. And his words felt like a blanket of comfort over my soul. He said to me, “Do you understand how rare you are? And how that is such a good thing. You are like a precious jewel that is very hard to find. Don’t for one second regret your purity in this area. Many guys would be blessed to date someone that had the same stance as you.” To this day, I repeat his words in my mind often. I am extremely thankful for that conversation.
In 2011, I remember having another one of my “Am I sure this is a good decision” moments and I emailed my pastor for his thoughts. People began telling me that the reason I wasn’t dating was because guys were too intimidated by me. I don’t know if they said that to make me feel better about my lack of dating experience or if they thought it was true. I just remember thinking, “Then what am I supposed to do? Am I going to live my life alone for the rest of my life?!” I remember one guy, a few years prior, who I liked at the time, telling me he was too scared to even hold my hand. I just searched my inbox again for my pastor’s response to my questions and his words were too good to not share.
Here was his response to me:
“You are running a good race and it is good to be picky, there are very few men who wouldn’t be intimidated by you, but you are looking for that one who is man enough not to be intimidated. And the lies about your first kiss being awkward are the same lies other girls hear about having to discover sexual compatibility, pre marriage. The source of both of those lies are young men who have neither kissed enough or had sex enough to know what the heck they are talking about. Kisses and sexual relations are not driven by form or experience, they are driven by intimacy and nothing is more intimate than sharing those with only one person. Your first kiss will ignite every cell in your body and it will be something you will tell your sons and daughters about, as opposed to having to hide that information from your sons and daughters because it is not something you are proud of.”
That email response meant so much to me and it gave me the ability to further recognize any lies that popped up in the coming years. Those words are words that I want to pass along to every younger girl that I come into contact with. Am I telling them they have to wait until they turn 30 to kiss? Absolutely not. I just want them to be able to recognize the lies of this world and to not ever give in to a temptation because they feel pressured or forced into it. Our girls need to hear more of that.
And as I said at the beginning, I know some may think I am crazy. I have even felt “made fun of” a bit by some people regarding this decision. So you may even choose to stop reading my posts from here on out, because you feel “this girl” has gone off the deep end. But I don’t regret it. And I may be in the “deep end,” but I am not drowning, like many girls I have come in contact with because their choices have left them wounded and grasping for air. I do not (and I repeat … I DO NOT) think that I am any better than anybody else because of the decisions I have made. I am a sinner saved by grace. But I have learned to swim in that deep end and I feel stronger because of it. Even though your story may be way different than mine, maybe just maybe parts of my story have left you feeling encouraged.
So there is my background story to my date 20 post (which was date 7 with Mr. KJWTS). When I started writing, I didn’t intend for it to be a separate blog post altogether, but that’s what happened.
Date 20 post will come in a couple of days, I promise.