He Likes Me. He Likes Me Not.
At the end of Date 27, Mr. Knows Just What To Say and I decided that we wouldn’t see each other that next weekend. Okay, well, he decided that. I didn’t have any plans, but he did. We had already had several dates back to back each weekend, so it was probably time for a “break” anyway. However, for some unknown reason during that next week, something changed in me a bit. I became a bit of the insecure girl in a relationship and I didn’t like it one bit. I didn’t recognize that girl. My freak out meter re-appeared for the first time in 2015 but in a way that I wasn’t familiar with. I started having these feelings of uncertainty of how Mr. KJWTS felt about me. I am not sure where it came from, maybe it had to do with the fact that we had spent almost every weekend together for an entire month and now a weekend would pass without seeing him. Maybe it was because his weeks were busy and he would text later and later then when we first met. And in my head we didn’t seem to be able to sustain a conversation for very long through texting anymore – although I do blame myself for that one because I was pretty much ready for bed by 9:30 every night cough cough, okay, 9.
I wasn’t sure how to handle these feelings of doubt within me. I pride myself on being a good communicator, but I didn’t want to come across as the needy girl and come right out and ask him what he was presently feeling towards me. Were his feelings growing stronger? Or were they weakening? That lack of knowing, was the root of my insecurity. He wasn’t doing anything wrong and I can almost guarantee you that he didn’t feel any change. Even though I knew that, there was still a longing in me to have him say that he liked me still. He hadn’t acted any differently on date 27 and even though we haven’t officially kissed, his physical touch was still often and consistent with grabbing my hand, touching my knee in the car, kissing my forehead and cheeks and things like that. So I wasn’t feeling this way because of the absence of physical touch. But then as I was thinking about it (which is probably the problem right there, I was dwelling too much on it), I thought back to my love language of words of affirmation.
I feel loved by hearing words and I began to try and remember when the last time was that he told me that he liked me.
I know you are thinking I am crazy, because looking back on all my dates with Mr. KJWTS, it seems evident that he likes me. He brought me cheese on date 26 for goodness sakes.
But I had to ask.
Well in a way that a girl would ask, I guess. A round about way.
Mid-week, after a lull in our texting conversation, I asked him if I had done anything to cause any unsettling feelings for him. I thought maybe I hadn’t been supportive enough during his bad days at work or maybe I didn’t text him first enough. Or maybe he was tired of seeing me so many weekends in a row. And now typing those things, I feel foolish, I doubt he thought any of those things. I realize girls think too much and make things up in their head, that the guy has no idea is going on.
His response was “No, you haven’t done anything to change the way I feel about you. I am still excited to get to know you better, spend more time growing together and having new experiences together. Each day I spend with you, makes me want to spend another 10 with you. I really love this process of getting to know you.”
Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that then. My freak out meter was just a bit too high causing me to not see reality. So I interpreted it as “Well, I am not sure I like you yet, so I want to get to know you a bit more and see.”
I couldn’t tell him that though, then I would really seem like I had gone off the deep end or something. I think I texted him back and said, “Sorry for making you explain yourself, I am not sure what my deal is.” He told me I probably just missed him and then later told me I should probably just go to bed and stop thinking so much. I agreed, typed out a small goodnight message, and did just that.
The next morning, on the way to work, I began to wonder if maybe I was starting to like him more than he liked me. Back when we first started going out on dates, I couldn’t really explain my feelings to him because I was a still a bit unsure of them. I remembered him saying that it was probably good that he was a bit “ahead,” so he could lead me. But I began to wonder, was he still ahead? I began imagining the possibility of him not really liking me anymore and my heart hurting because I had finally found a guy that I wanted to date. So should I “back away?” Or was this just all in my head and backing away would only cause confusion? I have a feeling that many fights in relationships just might have to do with the woman making things up in her head and assuming that the man should know what is going on.
I immediately knew that I needed to stop talking to myself in my head and begin talking to my Heavenly Father. I prayed that my anxious mind would settle down and that I would stop believing any lies that were being thrown around in my head. I asked Got to lead me, so that I could be in this relationship in the healthiest way possible – knowing when to communicate and when to keep my mouth shut. I then slipped in one of my favorite worship CDs and soon the song It Is Well began to fill my car, filling my heart and soul soon after.
The lyrics begin like this:
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.
I knew that I was making up a sorrowful situation and that I wasn’t even in that situation yet, but as I listened to those lyrics, I knew that it didn’t matter what happened. If Mr. KJWTS eventually told me he wasn’t “feeling” it anymore, I could move on.
It would be well with my soul.
And the reason I believe that, is because I have devoted our relationship to the Lord from the very first date that we went on. If things don’t work out with Mr. KJWTS and me, it will be because God’s plan was for it to not work out. As long as we keep seeking God first, there is nothing I can do, nothing Mr. KJWTS can do, to stop God’s plan for our lives – whether that means we are to be together or we are to be apart.
After that morning in my car, after I played that song about 5 times, I felt peace surround me and have not had those anxious feelings since. It was okay to like a man, it was okay to slowly start opening up my heart to him, but it was not okay to keep imagining the worst and to let the things he said and the things he didn’t say dictate my emotions so much so that I became anxious about it.
With my new emotional balance I spent the weekend relaxing, hanging out with my dad and getting some things done that I had been putting off. It was a good weekend, even with no date.
After another week went by, it was time for the weekend again and it was now Date 28, the 14th date with Mr. KJWTS. On Saturday, I showered soon after getting up, put on some comfortable clothes and just a tiny bit of make-up and was ready to start my day with him. It was a beautiful day outside and so we started our date sitting outside on my swing. From there, we decided to make a trip to the lake. We bought some boiled peanuts beforehand and Mr. KJWTS grabbed some towels from his car. We spent the next hour sitting on the towels, eating boiled peanuts and looking out at the glistening lake in gorgeous 80 degree weather.
It was a good day.
Afterwards the plan was to head back to my house to get ready for dinner. We were meeting one of my best friends and her husband at a restaurant to celebrate my birthday a bit early. I am one of those people that like to celebrate my birthday a whole month long.
After curling my hair, applying my make-up and changing into a black sundress, I walked out of my bedroom and Mr. KJWTS came over to give me a hug and kiss the side of my face, telling me that I looked stunning.
We left shortly after to meet up with my friends, Kristie and Nick, at the restaurant. Kristie is actually one of the first people that I shared my idea of 30 dates before 30 with. If she would have thought my idea was stupid, I might not be sitting here writing about date 28 at this very moment. But just like always, she was one of my biggest encouragers. I left her that day, feeling like I could take on the world and thus my 30 dates began shortly after. I try to visit their family often and so they are always allowing me to eat dinner with them at their house. Each time, Nick does a wonderful job of listening to my stories about Mr. KJWTS, pretending that he cares a little and I appreciate that. I felt super blessed when they said they wanted to take me out to dinner to celebrate my birthday, got a babysitter for their kids, bought both of our dinners and had a gift waiting for me at the table. They are one of the nicest and sweetest couples I have ever met and so Mr. KJWTS was able to interact with them very easily.
After dinner, Nick suggested we go to a nearby frozen yogurt place. He got coffee, the rest of us got some frozen yogurt and we spent over an hour playing four games of Uno.
We left shortly after the fourth game. When we got back to my house, Mr. KJWTS asked about my most recent blog posts. I have been reading them to him each date, but we were two behind. So I read him the posts from date 26 and date 27. After I was finished he smiled and came close to my face for a kiss, missing my lips only by a centimeter. Throughout all the posts, it is evident that I like him, so I began to wonder what he was thinking in return. I told him, “I wish you could write a blog post, so I could hear your thoughts.” He said, “Yeah, I understand what you mean, it is nice hearing what means a lot to you from our dates.” I expected him to expound on that but he didn’t.
A few minutes later, as I was remembering “It Is Well With My Soul,” I asked him, “So does hearing those blog posts make you happy or does it kind of freak you out, knowing that I like you?” He told me that it made him happy and I think I might have asked a follow up question, but I can’t remember what it was. He began saying that in the past, when he dated girls, he would try and map out their future too quickly and then it never ended up working out. He said, “with you, I have just been taking it a date at a time while you were doing the 30 dates and I can’t tell you what our future holds…” and then I cut him off. I told him that is not what I needed. I didn’t need for him to predict the future and I didn’t expect him to say that he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life. I told him, “I just want to know if you like me.” He looked at me and smiled and said, “Oh! I like you.” And then he leaned in for another “non-kiss” pretty close to my mouth. Then he leaned back and said, “A lot.”
“That’s all I need to know,” I said and I smiled back.
I had the question answered that I was wondering about for two weeks now. I basically just had to come out and ask. And women, that is probably what a man wants. Are you wondering something? They aren’t going to be able to read your minds. I know that I have joked about Mr. KJWTS being able to know my thoughts and I have obviously given him this nickname for a reason, because he is good with words. But no human being will ever know what to say at the perfect time. Mr. KJWTS needed me to ask. I needed me to ask. So things are moving forward.
The journey continues…
Oh, and he likes me.
2 dates and counting down.