The Aftermath

It’s now been exactly two weeks since I sat on my bed and held the phone up to my ear while hearing my boyfriend tell me, “I think I need to let you go.” Those words marked the end of a 17 month relationship. A relationship that I thought was going well, a relationship that I thought was progressing. A relationship where I thought feelings were mutual. But that’s usually the case in a breakup, isn’t it? Most of the time, one person decides that this is not what he/she wants and the other is left in a wake of destruction, often times blind-sighted and left wondering what parts of the relationship were real and what parts were just figments of imagination. Even though I sat on the other end of that phone call, wishing that it was just a bad dream and that I would wake up the next day still in a relationship with the person I was falling for, I was thankfully not blind-sighted. My heart was preparing for that breakup the entire week, I was pretty sure it was coming that day. I think in a way God warned me for my heart to prepare for what it was about to experience.

The first week after the breakup, I walked around with my heart bleeding. One of my co-workers said that she would see me in the hall and even though I was there physically, I never seemed like I was really there. I felt an extreme sadness. People showed their love to me through messages, words and hugs and I am so very grateful for that. I am not sure I would have been able to get out of bed each day if it weren’t for the love that I was feeling. But no matter what was said, the sadness still lingered.

However this past Tuesday I began to notice a change. Slowly but surely peace began to set in.

On Wednesday I received a picture in my head that made a bit more sense to me and why the breakup had to come. I think it was another part of healing for me and therefore I wanted to share this process with you. Just when I think I will probably never blog again, I wake up with a string of thoughts that I can’t help but type out. It might not make any sense and maybe some of you will find it ridiculous, but it is helping my brain process. Maybe God revealed it to me to help me heal. Or maybe I am just making it all up myself. Still not quite sure.

So here goes:

Numbers have always been my thing, I guess that is why I became a math teacher. So as I began to process and look back at the last 18 months of my life, numbers started arising in my thoughts and by the end of the day it made complete sense to me.

It involves numerical stages. While I understand that abstract concepts, such as love and emotions are very hard to rank, I am going to do my best and explain the inner workings of my mind.

Like most rankings, the stages go from 1 to 10. Stage 1, obviously the beginning stage, of feelings is when you meet someone for the first time and you have this desire to get to know them more. Or maybe you have known them for years, but you all of a sudden start wondering what it would be like to be more than just friends. This is stage 1.

Stage 2 is when the butterflies begin and you feel excited at just the mention of their name. And then stage 3 probably  begins after a few months of dating. It is most likely the infatuation stage. This is when the brain state is an “idealization” of the other person.

I am re-reading the book The Sacred Search by Gary Thomas. This is the book that David gave me on our first date. Going through it a second time has really helped me and I am loving it just as much as the first time.

Gary Thomas uses research from Dr. Helen Fisher about the neurological markers of infatuation. How do you know if you are infatuated?

Here are some from the list:

-The person focuses on the other’s better traits and overlooks flaws

-Sleeplessness, impulsiveness and euphoria and mood swings occur – probably based on what the other person says or does (the italics are mine)

-One or both of the partners develop a goal-oriented fixation of “winning” the other

-The person becomes emotionally dependent on the relationship

-Partners reorder their daily priorities to remain in contact as much as possible, separation anxiety may exist when apart

I think that David reached stage 3 pretty quickly in our relationship and I was a bit slower to evolve.

Once after our second date, we were having a texting conversation, where I shared that my feelings may not quite be where his already were but that I was really enjoying the process of getting to know him. I was a little nervous because David was affirming me and pursuing me a lot and I was a bit scared I was going to hurt him or let him down. After sharing with him something along those lines, David’s response went like this:

My goal is to not let myself get too far ahead of you emotionally. I think it is good for me to be a little ahead so I can lead you, but also know that I need to put barriers in place to keep me from getting too emotionally involved when you aren’t. And I already know that you will treat my heart with the utmost respect…another thing I like about you. I too am absolutely loving getting to know you and communicate with you, even if I just end up annoying you most of the time with all my texts about how beautiful you are.”

The reason I can still type his words out nearly 18 months later is because I saved certain texts from him that I thought were adorable. Most of these saved texts were in the infatuation stage, stage 3. Many times he would text me good morning, when I was getting ready for work at 6:00 am, even though he didn’t have to be up until 2 hours later. He would tell me it was because he couldn’t sleep and so he began thinking of me. Cute, huh?

A few other texts, after only our first date, went like this:

“After meeting you today, I confirmed that you are the most beautiful woman in the world when you smile.”

“So I may or may not have been thinking about you a lot this weekend. But I feel that you dating all these guys is such a great thing for you. It will either confirm or deny what you see in me. Or you will find some great guy that will make you forget about the rest of us. Such a win-win for you and I will be cheering for you either way because I have become a HUGE fan of you =)”

“I wasn’t really nervous at the beginning of our first date at the zoo. It was only after seeing how beautiful you were in person after removing your sunglasses that REALLY made me nervous from that point forward. You took them off when we walked inside the snake exhibit and I remember looking at you and thinking …dannnnnnnng! haha”

On one of our dates, I asked David if he was giving me all these compliments just to flatter me because he knew I liked hearing it or because he really meant it. He said that he didn’t say things he didn’t mean.

That same statement came back to me the week before our breakup when I was constantly wondering why he wasn’t telling me that he missed me. He didn’t say things he didn’t mean.

After our first couple of dates, I think David was at stage 3.

Here is a thing about being at 3. To some it may feel like you are in love already. But in all reality, according to my personal revelation, it is not until stage 8 that love gets brought in the picture. Stage 3 is sneaky and if you close the gaps on the left of the number 3, it soon begins to disguise itself as a number 8. Here are where some couples get in trouble. If both people think that their 3s are 8s, they tend to get married very quickly without too much thought process or consideration of other factors because “why not, they are in love?!”

“Dr. Fisher found huge discrepancies between the brain scans of couples who had been in love just about eight months and the scans of those who had been in love about twenty-eight months. Those together just over two years had a far more realistic view of their partner and their relationship than those who were still in the rush of infatuation. How many of your friends have told you, after being let down by someone they truly loved, “He’s not the person I thought he was?” That’s because he wasn’t. That’s a true observation! They were relating to an idealized version of a man – or woman – not that person’s authentic self (p. 39).”

I am not saying that those who got married in less than eight months will not work out. In fact I know several couples who have married quickly and they are still going strong. I am also not saying that if you wait over two years to get married, your marriage will be sure to last. There are way more factors in a relationship, then the amount of time you dated before marriage. However, personally for me, I just don’t want to skip any stages.

So getting married in the infatuation stage seems a big dangerous to me.

Stages 4 through 7 are not as profound and many of the things I am about to type, can probably be lumped into one big middle stage, but here is what I have come up with:

Stage 4 is moving past the infatuation stage, therefore you are beginning to recognize the other person’s flaws but it is not scaring you away. You are continuing to learn more and more about each other on a daily basis.

Stage 5 is the stage where you can begin to be more honest with the other person. You don’t feel badly  sharing your opinions, no matter how strong they may be. You no longer have this overwhelming desire to always look your best in front of the other person. Girls are starting to feel comfortable showing up with out make-up and the guy may begin to share about his insecurity of a few more pounds showing up around his middle. This is the stage where insecurities are shared.

Stage 6 is when you begin to start really trusting the other person even more so than in stage 5. You are getting ready to trust them with your heart and begin to realize that you are only a couple of stages away from falling in love and it is scary but safe all at the same time. You want to share your hopes and dreams with the other person, hoping that somehow you fit into each other’s futures.

Looking back on our relationship now, I think I got to stage 6 with David around our first date anniversary. It was on September 27th, however that weekend we were not together for one reason or another. The following weekend we were flying to Michigan to attend a wedding of one of my high school best friends. David agreed to go with me and I was ecstatic. We both even took two days off of work to go, since the wedding was on a Friday. I had never brought a date to a wedding before! When I arrived at his house prior to flying out for the wedding, he gave me a present and a card. I was not expecting that at all. I had mailed him a card that week, but I hadn’t even thought about a gift. When I opened the gift, I felt so special because he bought me perfume. He had remembered me saying passingly that I was out and I needed to buy some soon. I felt so cherished that he remembered and knew exactly what kind to buy. He also threw in a pack of Reese’s cups, so that was another plus.

This was written in the card:

“The last year of my life has definitely been more blessed, more joyful, and filled with more laughs and smiles because of you. You give me more to look forward to on the weekends other than just sleeping in. I love having you to shop with, be my shotgun rider, cook with and for, be the one I open doors for, and the one I text before bed each night. Thank you for being by my side and letting me hold you so tight…and for allowing me to annoy you in all my many ways. Thank you for a wonderful year! Happy Anniversary, Babe!”

Receiving those words in that card was just the beginning of a wonderful weekend together. We flew to Michigan for the weekend and I had thought I was in the clear from some sort of allergic reaction that I had a few days prior when my eyes swelled. However, that weekend, I was still not quite healthy and I remember feeling taken care of by David. He saw me at my worst and he still told me he liked being with me.

I remember specifically telling a friend after that weekend that I think I liked David more just from that weekend together. She asked me if we told each other we loved each other yet and I responded that we didn’t. “So do you love him?” she asked. I couldn’t bring myself to say that I did, but I now know I went up a stage, this was before I knew the stages existed of course.

Up until this time, I always felt cherished by David. I felt pursued and adored. We didn’t seem to have any misunderstandings, we loved being in each other’s company and it felt like there was really nothing that could go wrong. In fact, I think my stage 6 started slowly turning into stage 7 by the end of the month.

Stage 7 is when you look into your future and the other person seems to be there. You are not quite at the point of discussing marriage because falling in love needs to come before that but you are only a stage away.

Here was the turning point for us. I was well on my way to stage 7 and I think I might have left David behind at stage 5. I actually wasn’t clear where his feelings were. And I remember always being afraid to ask. Firstly, because I would be the one taking the lead on an important conversation and secondly because I was nervous it would scare him away. So many times, I suppressed the desire I had for these types of conversations.

However, I guess one day, I didn’t do my best at accomplishing that goal. It had been just over a year from our first date and we were finishing up reading from the book of Acts together on a Sunday. After David prayed about our relationship and for God to continue to reveal to us what a godly dating relationship looks like, I brought up moving closer to David’s house so we didn’t have to travel our normal 2 hours to each other’s houses every weekend. Of course, being a teacher, if this move even happened, it wouldn’t be until at least 8 months down the road, when the current school year ended. Maybe I was premature in talking about it, but it had been in my mind for over a month already and with stage 7 upon me, I felt like I needed to see what David’s reaction would be. I had been a bit nervous to bring it up with David and looking back I understand why now. This conversation and his reaction showed that I was moving forward with my feelings and he wasn’t.

I was starting to become the one that was getting farther than him emotionally and therefore he could no longer lead me in this area. Shortly after sharing with him my desire of living in the same city, I left his house because our conversation was not progressing. As I was getting ready to leave, David went and pulled my car up and I wanted nothing else other than for him to tell me to stay. I didn’t want him to let me go – but he did. He let me leave that day.

I spent the next three days in confusion until he called on a Wednesday night and explained his reservations and his silence. He told me that he was not ready for marriage and that he didn’t know yet if I was the one he was supposed to marry. I think the idea of me making a major life change to live closer to him made him immediately think about marriage.  I told him that I agreed with him, I was not ready for marriage either. I explained that I probably wouldn’t know if this relationship could progress to marriage until I at least lived in the same city with him. I wanted to know what it looked like to spend time with him during the week. I wanted to know what it looked like to see him stressed from work or what he did after a bad day. I wanted to be able to call him up at 6pm on a Tuesday evening and go get dinner because I just wanted to see him. After explaining this to him, he felt relief and said that he agreed with everything I said. I asked him if he wanted to break up and he said he didn’t. It was during that conversation that I told him that whenever he felt like it was time to break up, he needed to tell me. I didn’t want him holding on because he was scared to hurt me or because the timing may not be right. I think we both ended the conversation feeling good. We had worked through our little bump and I was actually quite proud of our communication that night.

The next few months were good. We went into the holidays and I met most of his family for the first time. I spent the majority of my Christmas break with him and we entered 2016 on such a good note. Every time I was with this man, I felt safe and taken care of. I continued to miss him when I was away from him and cherished the time I was with him. I am pretty sure I was full blown into the stage 7 at this point.

Stage 8 was next. This was the stage where you fall in love. When a friend asked me “So do you love him?” I couldn’t answer immediately, I had to really stop and think. No matter what I said, if I said yes or if I said no, I felt like I would be lying. I think I wanted to say yes, but deep down, I knew David was not at the stage that I was and so that scared me. I think I began telling my heart that I was not allowed to fall in love with him yet. I explained to my friend that to me loving someone meant you could trust them with your whole heart and I really wasn’t there yet with David. She understood and I settled on being okay at stage 7.

I wasn’t sure what stage David was at, but when he broke up with me, he told me that his feelings were not progressing. As much as I wanted to accept that answer and was actually thankful he did what I asked, he broke up with me when he knew it was right, I had a hard time really making clarity of the situation for about a whole week.

9 days after the breakup, I had a rough evening on Sunday night. I had talked with one of my friends that day and she asked if I was still hoping that David would change his mind. I told her that I wasn’t and that I knew it was a final decision. But after hanging up with her, I think I realized that I was. I think a little part of my heart was hoping he would still call or email or even show up at my house and tell me that we still had things we needed to talk through. Maybe we could talk through our misunderstandings and have another hour long conversation like back in October and realize we really were on the same page after all. That wasn’t going to happen though, I knew it wouldn’t. So I texted him. I just needed to hear it again.

Tell me again that you stopped liking me, that your feelings for me have been at a stand still for a year. Tell me again you were never gonna fall in love with me. I think I need to hear it again.”

I knew it wasn’t a good idea to text him, I told myself not to text him. But I typed that out anyway and I hit send before I could spend any more time thinking about it.

Eight minutes later he responded. “I’m so sorry, my dear, I really hate that you have to experience this, as I NEVER wanted to hurt you or disappoint you. I just couldn’t bare to waste any more of your precious time knowing that my feelings for you hadn’t evolved to where they should be or where yours are, and they likely never will. I really wish I could make the hurt go away, but only time and the Lord can do that.”

I told him thank you and that I just needed to hear it again.

He sent another message, “Emotionally and spiritually you are the strongest woman I’ve ever known. You will get through this and emerge stronger, better and more beautiful than before. My prayer is that Christ himself surrounds you with His love and protection while you heal and that the uncertainty of tomorrow is seen as, not just hope, but God’s divine promise that He will soon reveal to you. If there is anything I can do or not do to help you heal, please let me know. Wishing I could take away all your pain and tears right now.”

Mr. Knows Just What To Say was back. Within one week, that’s how I felt. I felt that my boyfriend David reverted back to Mr. KJWTS. A man who I didn’t really know after all. When I read his text messages, I appreciated his words, I really did. But in a way I felt like I was reading a stranger’s words. I am not sure what that meant. It was probably because he was no longer my boyfriend. He was no longer the David I thought I really knew. He was Mr. KJWTS – the man that impressed me with his words from the beginning. The man I didn’t know, but I knew I wanted to. The man that could potentially hurt me and break my heart. He was Mr. KJWTS.

That night I cried more than I had the night of the breakup and the whole week combined. I let out my sadness and I cried out to God to help me stop believing stupid lies in my head.

A few days later is when I realized something. I spent a week since the breakup thinking about all of our times together and it just didn’t make sense why or even how he could end something that was just so good. But as I was receiving the epiphany of these stages, I realized something else. I realized that I was viewing our 17 months together through my own eyes and my own feelings. Because I was on another stage than him, I was viewing things differently than him.

One morning on the way to work, I changed my thinking. I began thinking  of all of the times we spent together since our bump in the road in October and I began to view it through David’s eyes. I think when I mentioned moving closer to him, he got nervous because he knew his feelings had stopped progressing awhile before that. After our talk that day and the fact that I didn’t give him an ultimatum for marriage, I think he wanted to see what would happen between then and Spring, when it would really get serious for me to make the decision whether to move or not.

I assumed that David was stuck at stage 5. But I wasn’t sure. He told me that if there was anything he could do to help me heal to let him know. I think I needed to know to continue this process of healing, so I asked him.

Last Wednesday, now 12 days since our breakup, I sent him another text.

“I have a random question and I need an honest answer. It doesn’t require any explanation. And don’t worry your response will not hurt me any more than I already have been, just be honest. On a scale of 1-10, 8 being in love and 9 being you wanted to get married. 1, 2, and 3 being the getting to know you stages, the chase, and the infatuation stage. What number were you stuck at with me? And when did you get there?”

I was a little nervous he wouldn’t answer back or that he would refuse to answer such a ridiculous question. I was wondering if he would tell me that there was no way for him to really know that. I was scared I was going to get a vague answer.

I texted him and reminded him that this would help me and that I would really appreciate him giving me an answer.

After a half an  hour of silence, he said, “I would say probably close to a 7, and I reached that around our June trip to Michigan. I don’t think it declined much after that, just didn’t grow further. I hope that helps.”

It did help. I thanked him and I began to process.

He said it was close to a 7, so I am assuming he was stuck at stage 6. That makes sense to me since I was at stage 7 probably on the verge of stage 8. I was at a higher stage than him with my feelings and he probably lost the control to be able to lead with me moving ahead.

So I began to go through the last five months or so in my head, thinking from David’s perspective.

When we flew up north for my friend’s wedding, I sat in the airport next to David and it felt so good to be with him. At one point, he got up to go get a coffee and as he walked back toward me I watched him and realized how happy I was to be his girlfriend. That was a special weekend for me. But David’s feelings did not progress that weekend.

We talked through the biggest conflict we ever had in our relationship and our communication was so good that night, that it actually seemed easy. But David’s feelings did not progress that night or the weekend after when I shared with him how I was a bit confused about how he would be willing to give me up so easily. His response was that he now realized how much he would be giving up and he didn’t want to do that. But that didn’t mean his feelings had progressed.

I met his family for the first time on Thanksgiving. And as I sat in his brother’s house, meeting and conversing with his relatives for the first time, I felt so special that he was willing to “bring me home” to meet his family. But David’s feelings did not progress at Thanksgiving.

We went riding on his motorcycle the day after Thanksgiving in 68 degree weather. And as I bundled up and wore the pink flowered helmet that he bought me for the first time, now much more comfortable than an over-sized helmet from before, I realized how much I loved being on the back of my boyfriend’s motorcycle. Every once and awhile he would place his hand back on my leg as a form of communication and affection. But David’s feelings did not progress during that ride.

We spent most of my Christmas break together, David took off several days to have the same schedule as me. But David’s feelings did not progress over Christmas break.

We ushered in a new year together with hopes and dreams of 2016. It was a new year, but not a new stage for David’s feelings. He was still stuck at stage 6. David’s feelings did not progress as we set goals for ourselves and began to hold each other accountable for some disciplines in our lives.

David called off of work on Martin Luther King Day because I had it off and the weekend was just not long enough, we wanted one more day together. But David’s feelings did not progress that weekend either.

One Sunday, I was sitting in his office studying for a test for GRAD school and he was writing code on the computer. He became a bit frustrated but looked over at me and I smiled. We were not doing anything fun at all, instead it was quite the opposite, but I wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else. David’s feelings were still at a stage 6 that weekend too.

One Friday, I got home from work after a particular trying and emotional day and he came over as we  had dinner plans that night. When he walked in and asked me how my day was, I immediately began to cry and he wrapped me in his arms. David’s feelings did not progress as I stood crying in his arms for a few minutes.

Valentine’s day came and went and I left his house that day, pained that I wouldn’t be able to see him for three more weeks. As I left, he probably saw me fighting back tears. He probably knew my feelings were growing. And yet, he probably shut my car door and watched me drive off, knowing his feelings were the same. The same feelings that he had since June. He might of even been a little mad at himself about that.

One of his texts to me in stage 3 went like this:

“I don’t think you have ANY clue just how much I and the rest of the world love seeing that wonderfully beautiful and stunning smile of yours! It really does take my breath away sometimes. Seriously.” 

And while I realize that text was sent during the infatuation stage and maybe those texts become non-existent after that, I realized since he was stuck in stage 6, his breath no longer seemed to be taken away by my smile.

How could we keep on living like this? Looking at it from this perspective, I feel badly for both of us. Here I am, each moment falling more and more for this man and all he could do was watch me. He couldn’t join me. He wanted to so badly. He wanted to catch up to me, but he couldn’t. So, how could we keep living like this?

We couldn’t. And he knew that. It makes more sense to me now. A lot more sense.

A few quotes that I highlighted in Gary Thomas’ book talks about how we need to be careful of basing all of our decisions on feelings. I know I have talked a lot about them and in the end, they are the reason that David broke up with me, but we have to be very careful because as my dad used to always tell me, “feelings are free agents.”

“Maybe feeling like you’re in love with someone isn’t enough of a reason for you to get married. Maybe you need to set the bar higher, find something more.”

“I’ve seen people fail to pursue a relationship, even though they respected, admired, and loved another person, because there didn’t seem to be that over-the-top, make-my-knees-weak chemistry.”

“Far too often, we are more motivated to preserve the relationship if the feelings are there than if the match makes sense. In other words, most of us are motivated more by feelings than by wisdom.”

“I’m trying to get you to see that falling in love, even as a single, is something to evaluate, not something you should slavishly give yourself over to. Falling in love is what it is – a very pleasant, very real brain obsession – but it’s a dangerous and false god.”

Gary Thomas goes on to say in another chapter that “The crucial third stage of relationships goes beyond sexual desire and romantic attachment and is a long-term affection. This is a bond that is best fostered through friendship and a shared mission. It lasts until death and, unlike romantic infatuation, gets deeper with age. Time serves intentionally cultivated intimate affection, even as it kills infatuation (p.51).”

Maybe this is what David wasn’t feeling – the long-term affection. Maybe that begins in my self-proclaimed stage 8 or 9. Or maybe he was missing the romantic attachment. I am not sure, but he was missing something.

And so this week I reached clarity of the situation and I continued to beg for healing. I was already tired of being sad. I understood the situation better now. Now I just wanted this sadness gone.

And that is when I listened to the song “More Than Anything” by Natalie Grant. I spent the ending of the week driving to and from work with this song on repeat. I wish it was on youtube, so I could attach it here for you to hear, but the lyrics will have to do.

“More Than Anything”

I know if you wanted to you could wave your hand
Spare me this heartache and change your plan
And I know when he said you could take my pain away
But even if you don’t I pray
Help me want the Healer more than the healing
Help me want the Savior more than the saving
Help me want the Giver more than the giving
Help me want you Jesus more than anything
You know more than anyone that my flesh is weak
And you know I’d give anything for a remedy
And I’ll ask a thousand more times to set me free today
Oh but even if you don’t I pray
Help me want the Healer more than the healing
Help me want the Savior more than the saving
Help me want the Giver more than the giving
Oh Help me want you Jesus more than anything

When I’m desperate and my hearts overcome                                                                               all that I need you’ve already done
When I’m desperate and my hearts overcome
all that I need you’ve already done

Oh Jesus Help me want you more than anything

Help me want the Healer more than the healing
Help me want the Savior more than the saving
Help me want the Giver more than the giving
Help me want you Jesus more than anything
Help me want you Jesus more than anything

I needed to hear that song every single day this past week and I will probably need to hear it every single day this up coming week. But that is my new prayer: Help me want the Healer more than I actually want the healing.

I began to think of the stages again and my sadness came from a broken heart because of a man who could not get past stage 6 with me.

As I said before I was teetering the line of stage 8, of actually falling in love. And to be honest, maybe I was already there, at stage 8. Maybe I did love him. I am not sure if my heart would hurt this badly if I didn’t. But it doesn’t really matter anymore. It doesn’t matter what stage I was at. All that matters is that he wasn’t there with me and he never saw himself getting there.

I think after both people reach stage 8 and fall in love, stage 9 is the commitment stage. Stage 9 is when two people decide they want to spend the rest of their lives together no matter what stage they feel like they might be at, at any given time. Because I am sure there are times in marriage, when couples forget that they were ever at stage 8. Or they think stage 8 is no longer there for them. But stage 9 is greater than stage 8. Stage 9 is telling another person that no matter what happens, no matter how many times they are let down, no matter what their feelings tell them that day, they will choose every single day to keep loving that person. That’s stage 9.

I am looking forward to reaching that stage 9 with someone one day. But in the meantime, I am going to fall more in love with the Healer.

Because as cliche as this is going to sound,  Jesus is at stage 100 with us. There is no one on this Earth that will ever love me more than He will. And He is the only person that will never turn His back on us – no matter what. There is nothing that I can do that will make Him love me more or less because He was already at stage 100 with me the moment I was conceived.

God blessed me with a relationship with David for 17 months. A relationship that both of us  wouldn’t trade for anything. But God also allowed me to experience this heart break. And while I wasn’t sure why that happened at first, as my mind is becoming clearer, I am now thinking it is because God wants me to move up stages with Him instead. He knew a heart break would help me do that. Maybe Jesus was even a little sad that I have been stuck at a stage when it comes to loving Him for several years now. Maybe just like I longed for David to move up to stage 7 or 8, Jesus is longing for me to move up in my love for Him.

I believe God’s promises to be true in my life and I know that even though my plans have changed quite drastically in the last two weeks, His plans haven’t. God’s plans included this exact place where I am now- in this place of brokenness, sadness and heart break. Maybe it is so I would have the time and desire to want to spend more time with Him.

And maybe it’s so I could learn how to want the Healer way more than the healing.





8 thoughts on “The Aftermath

  1. Thanks for sharing this experience with all of us. You should be writing a book about this as there are so many people that go through relationships and don’t understand what happened. You understand that Jesus is our 100% and we are blessed if He allows us to have a relationship with someone here on Earth that is a 9 or 10. He is our healer, and I will be praying for you to find the desire of your heart!

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  2. Those stages are really interesting. I was recently in a similar situation, dating a guy for a year who lived 2 hours away. Except I DID move to another state (not only because of him, but obviously he was a part of the decision) only to break up last month. It’s been a rough road, but I’m finally starting to feel peace.


    • A rough road indeed. I’m so glad you are starting to feel peace after a month. I know the feeling of thinking it’ll never come, but then it does. The time frame is always the question, of when it will. Praying that the healing journey continues for you and that you receive hope on the days you don’t feel peace, that it’ll come again.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Kirk E Chwialkowski says:

    My sweet daughter, Thanks for sharing your heart with everyone. I know how much this event hurts, but I also know God is teaching you so you can minister to others through it (2 Cor. 1:3-5). I agree with Jodi, this would be a good book and the Lord Jesus Christ is the 10 🙂 May He bless you honey as you proceed down this great adventure He has you on.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Kathy says:

    Hi Elisa so glad you decided to blog again I really enjoy reading them wishing you so many blessings to come you’ll see.


  5. Kristie says:

    Did I miss Stage 10 or did you omit it? I’m curious as to how you perceive the stage beyond the emotional commitment, and I feel that even a brief description would speak to those of us who have already fully committed…


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