I might as well just categorize myself as a “blogger” now. I am not sure how this happened, it just did. I first thought that I just blogged because my friends were curious about each date that I went on when I decided to go on 30 dates before my 30th birthday and it would save me from having to recant the story over five different times. I continued to blog those dates because of the encouraging comments and likes I received from my facebook friends. But now even after my 31st birthday has come and gone, every once and awhile I still get this strong desire to write another blog post. So does this make me a blogger?
I just have all of these thoughts swirling around in my head that typing them out is actually quite therapeutic for me. These thoughts come from so many different places. Mostly they come from deep within my being, the cries of my heart. Some come from listening to friends or random people, while others are lies of the enemy. And every once and while, when I am quiet and I try to just stop thinking for a moment, they come from the still small voice of my Heavenly Father. Those are the thoughts I especially want to cling to and typing them out where I can read them again and again helps me get through times of trial and sadness.
I have done that a few times actually. I have gone through several of my past blog posts looking for the snip-its of truth that I need to remind myself to cling to. Each time I read a past blog post, I find myself spending some time praying if I should try and turn my story into a book. Some days I actually think it could be a reality, while other days I laugh at those thoughts, thinking no one will want to read a book about someone they do not know. But regardless if I ever add author to my resume, I guess I should surrender to the fact that I am indeed a blogger.
A few months ago, my mom signed me up to receive blog updates from a woman named Holley Gerth (http://holleygerth.com/) and while I received her most recent blog update in my inbox five days ago, I just opened and read it today. Usually after reading other blog posts, I begin to compare mine to theirs, which makes me feel like my story (at least now) is not really worth sharing or that I am not as good of a writer as many other bloggers out there. But when I saw Holley’s blog title was, God Isn’t Done with Your Story Yet, it made me feel the familiar itch to blog again. And as I read, I then began to feel the familiar peace overcome my soul. A peace that I had been missing for a few weeks now. Instead I have actually spent most nights crying soft tears as I drifted off to sleep. Let me tell you why. But first it will require me taking you back a few months and will require two different posts to keep the length a readable amount.
The month of March was a pretty rough time period in my life. The beginning of the month is when I experienced my first real heart break, but the rest of the month I was left with questions. Questions that I swore I would not think after the first week. Questions that I knew deep down were stupid to ask and I wanted to run far away from. But these questions would still linger. Usually popping up on the weekends during my free time or late into the night when I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep to get them out of my head. These questions stemmed from deep within me and surfaced the deepest of my insecurities.
Here are some of those questions I asked myself regarding why David didn’t fall in love with me, why he chose to, in his words, “let me go.”
-Did he still think I was beautiful? At the beginning of our relationship, he would let me know his thoughts in this area often and while he would still send me good night texts with the word beautiful thrown in there, did he still really think that? I had become comfortable enough with him, that many weekends I no longer tried to look my best. Several evenings were spent watching TV on the couch with no make-up on, acne break-outs, and in a pair of sweats. Should I have tried harder to always look my best around him?
-Did he think I was lazy and slept too much? My weeks were exhausting and my days began at 5:45 am. So the weekends were the times where I would catch up on sleep and rejuvenate. I think I require more sleep than the average human being, I have always been like that. So while I started my day before the sun on weekdays, I usually liked to sleep in several hours after sunrise on weekends. And then on top of that, sometimes I even liked to nap when I was fighting against allergies or the common cold. The weekends were used to re-energize myself, however they were also the time that David and I would be together. So did I not give him enough of my time? Did he resent that I would sleep in and chose to start my day with him in the afternoons and not mornings?
-Did he think that I was boring? I always prided the fact that our relationship seemed good even when we stayed in for the evening and just snuggled on the couch and even when we went to dinner and spent half of it in silence. I would joke about how I hated running or hiking, but did he not want to be with me anymore because I wasn’t active enough? Did he not feel that I was capable of engaging in stimulating conversations? Did he think that I hated riding with him on his motorcycle because I would complain of my neck hurting from an over-sized helmet? Was he bored with me? Should I have initiated more outdoorsy dates?
-I am a picky eater. I hate that about myself and I am really trying to push myself to eat different types of foods now that I am an adult, but I still don’t eat as many things as I should. Did he get annoyed with my eating habits? Was it annoying to him when we would pick restaurants to go to if I voiced my opinions about the food? Was he tired of having to tell his family and friends that I didn’t like a certain food?
-Did I serve him well enough? David served me so well and every single weekend at that. There was not a time that went by that I didn’t feel he cared for me in the area of service. So did I not reciprocate that enough? Was he getting tired of serving me and felt like I wasn’t giving back? Did I not cater to his wants and desires? Should I have initiated hugs and kisses more than I did?
I am sure there were many more questions that arose but those were the main ones circling in my head that month. Maybe if you have experienced a break up, you have experienced those same questions or ones similar about your insecurities. I absolutely HATE that those questions existed. I even kinda hate that I am typing them out now and making them known.
But it’s what happened.
And why is that?
Because we are human. Because we make everything about us. Because we are prideful. Because we are weak when we are broken. Because the enemy has come to kill our joy, steal our smiles and destroy our testimony. Because we live in a fallen world.
So by the end of the month and for probably the 100th time, I reminded myself that those questions stemmed from lies. That the truth remained by seeking the Lord. And when I did that I was reminded that this break up was God’s plan. That David was not the best for me. That I was not the best for David. Period. There didn’t need to be any of the above questions. The only question I needed to ask was, “How do I fall deeper in love with Jesus?” So I poured myself into finding that answer.
And while I always tried to keep that question at the forefront of my mind, another question started creeping in by mid-April.
How do you know when it is time to start dating again after a relationship end?
I think I had accepted the ending of my relationship with David but that didn’t come without still pushing away those earlier questions. I had to literally train my brain to change my thinking. So while I was training my brain to focus on truth, I wondered if going out on dates again would be a bad idea.
I talked to my dad about these newly surfaced questions and about my thoughts of maybe re-joining eharmony to see about lining up some weekend dates. Was it too soon? I cringed and waited for his response through half squinted eyes. And then he gave me what I think I was looking for, an approval. I told him I didn’t want it to come across like I was searching for a rebound relationship. I knew that no man or earthly relationship would ever be able to heal me from my brokenness, I knew God would be the only One who could do that. But I was looking for some weekend company as a bit of distraction from my sadness and lies that seemed to surface at night. He told me that anyone that knew me knew I wouldn’t just date a guy as a rebound. I valued relationships way too much than to enter into another one flippantly. So I prayed about it. I am not sure if I got a clear answer from God or not about what to do, but when I pulled up the eharmony website and saw that they would give me a deal of less than nine dollars a month, I signed up again.
At first I decided to not tell anyone except my dad. I think I was still a bit embarrassed and nervous what others would think. I even tried to keep it from my mom, but that only lasted about three days.
As I was trying to decide how to approach this new season of eharmony dates, I began communicating with one guy pretty quickly after joining. He caught my attention because even though I wasn’t quite sure what he actually looked like due to all four pictures of him looking totally different, he wrote, “living a life sold out for Christ,” under the question of what he was most passionate about. He also stated that he thought that a woman who is intentional in her relationship with Jesus is sexy. I let him know that I liked that little phrase after we hit the email stage. However, without my “30 dates” philosophy to fall back on, I didn’t know how soon was too soon with giving guys my number or even meeting them in general. So one particular day, this guy, we will call him Mr. Sold Out, and myself began sending a few emails back and forth within minutes. During those emails, he asked to move our conversation off of eharmony and to something a bit more easier for him to communicate with like texting or facebook messaging. I froze a bit and told him I wasn’t ready for that and he said he understood. We kept emailing, although several days would go by in between each other’s emails.
Soon after, I was matched with a man that lived six hours away but who caught my interest from the start. We will call him Dr. G because he was my age with a PhD. You will see why the initial is G soon enough. While there were many more matches before Dr. G and in between him and Mr. Sold Out, these were the only two that seemed to keep me interested. Normally I didn’t communicate with men more than a few hours away but being in a relationship with David taught me that I was willing to move if it was right. So six hours away or not, I answered Dr. G’s questions. I was not going to let distance cause me to not communicate with a good-looking, educated man that seemed to seek to glorify the Lord according to his profile. And not only that but he said he was looking for a “walking and talking” woman of God. I didn’t know him yet, but for some reason deep inside of me I thought we could make a great team. Those thoughts strengthened as we began to email. After a few emails he suggested we should facetime because obviously the distance wouldn’t allow us to meet in person for some time. I agreed and it went fairly well. I didn’t hear from him the next day and thought that I must have said something wrong or he didn’t find me attractive.
When will I stop questioning if a guy finds me beautiful?! I am quite sick of those insecure thoughts always creeping into my head.
However, the following day he emailed me on eharmony, following up with our facetime conversation. He told me he enjoyed our conversation but at the end sensed hesitancy on my part. I was relieved to finally have heard back from him and proud of his communication skills and the fact that he let me know he sensed hesitancy. I returned his email admitting my insecurities about him waiting more than 24 hours to get back with me and asked if our next conversation could be on the phone instead of facetime so I could explain myself a bit better. It was actually harder than I thought facetiming a complete stranger and I wanted to make sure I communicated the best way I knew how.
During that phone conversation I admitted to maybe being a little bit awkward on facetime but it was not because I was hesitant about communicating with him further. He said he was glad to hear that and we began what turned into a three week communication. During our second facetime he brought up the fact that I wondered if he thought I was beautiful or not. He went on to tell me that he thought I was gorgeous. Each time I talked with him I seemed to like him more and that little comment sure didn’t hurt. During our communication we talked on the phone another two times and facetimed once more, with a few short texts in between each time. During our last phone conversation, I asked some tough questions about distance and how he felt about that and inquired about meeting him. We ended the conversation with him telling me that we seemed to be on the same page and I felt good. The conversation had gone really well.
But as the week went on, I think he changed his mind. Towards the end of the week, he shared some apprehensiveness with me and I responded with a really long email explaining why I thought we should still meet one day to just see if we clicked in person as much as I thought we did “on paper.” He texted me and thanked me for that email and told me he needed time to process as well as the fact that he had found this blog so he knew that I had recently just gotten out of a relationship. I responded and told him that if he really knew me, he didn’t need to worry about that but I understood if he needed to figure that out for himself. In my head, I again knew that I would not enter into a relationship with him if I didn’t feel like the Lord was leading me that way. However, I would not know that until after we met and so I was beginning to wonder how much longer that would be.
But instead of arranging a time to meet, I never heard from him again. Each day after that texting conversation, I would hold out hope that he would contact me. I had come to really believe that we might actually be a good fit, despite the fact that he was probably moving another 6 hours farther from me. When I was telling my friend about this story, my friend told me that it was called “ghosting.” Ghosting?! There was a term for what happened to me? My friend went on to explain that it was when one person just decided to stop communicating with another person without an explanation or a reason or an ending. I am not sure if the goal is to leave it open ended in case that person wants to start it back up again or if it is just an easy way out to avoid tough conversations. Or maybe three weeks of communicating via the phone didn’t require a clear communication about it ending, since it was never anything to begin with. I am still not sure.
I spent the next few weeks trying to analyze what happened and of course questions began to arise. Maybe he realized that long distance would be too much work after all and I wasn’t worth it? Maybe he felt like I needed more time after just being in a relationship? Maybe he thought he would be the rebound guy? Maybe I expressed my interest in meeting him too strongly through a very lengthy email that could have been shortened? I don’t know if any one of those were the real reasons he decided to “ghost me,” maybe a combination of all of them, but what I do know is that I didn’t guard my heart well. Each time I talked with Dr. G (G stands for ghost…get it now?), I became more excited because we seemed so compatible, but maybe that was just all in my head. I even began to envision what it would be like to meet him in person and then maybe even one day move to where he would be living.
I don’t know what was wrong with me. I NEVER do things like that and I usually can keep my thoughts in check and my heart guarded pretty darn well. But I got too excited about this one and it came back to teach me a lesson. I think I took the mystery out of pursuing me. I hate playing games and I was trying to be open and honest with him, but in the end I think I just showed my interest too much. I wasn’t even sure if I did like him enough to be in a relationship with him, we hadn’t even met in person yet for goodness sake. All I did was express an interest of meeting in person, but he might have took it another way. Maybe the chase was over for him before it really began? I am still not 100% sure where I went wrong or if I went wrong at all. But in the end, those questions don’t matter anymore anyway. There is nothing I can do but to continue to surrender to the Lord.
After a few weeks of waiting to see if Dr. G would contact me, I emailed Mr. Sold Out again. He had taken about ten days to respond to one of my emails, so after that long and the fact that I was in communication with Dr. G, I never emailed him back. But now, I did. I apologized to him about the length of time it took me to respond but that I had been communicating with someone else and I wasn’t sure it was a good idea to communicate with more than one person at a time. I still don’t know how that rule works on eharmony, but I figured I might as well be honest. He told me he understood and explained that he actually had met a woman and that he was going to see if it would work out between them. He explained that he would love to meet me if it didn’t though. I liked that he was honest with me and I respected that. I told him that I wished him the best with the woman he met (and I really did mean that) and I would be fine with him contacting me if they didn’t work out.
So far, I was back in the game, but already struck out twice.
That didn’t stop me from continuing to get back up to bat though, maybe it should have, looking back now. Stay tuned for a few more stories because like it or not, I am most definitely a blogger.
Sigh, I hope this is a good idea…