My Dream

Eleanor Roosevelt has a famous quote that goes like this, “The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.”

Exactly two months ago, on August 16th, I had a dream.

The months leading up to the dream is when I would sometimes question myself. I have actually had these questions for years and as I re-entered the online dating world, these questions arose again. I’ve asked them several times before in previous blog posts, but the main question would still circle in my head every now and then.

Is God waiting for me to give up the desire to be married before He blesses me with a husband?

Or worse yet…

Am I just not meant to be married?

I believe that God asks us to love Him more than our earthly desires. I believe that the Lord calls us to trust in Him and to wait for His timing, knowing that in the end He knows best. I 100% believe all of that.

So in August (and many times before), I begged God to change my desires if His plans were for me to remain single for the rest of my life. I want to believe that I love God enough, that if He called me to be single for the rest of my life, I would do it. But I also know if that is the case, I am going to need His help. So on an almost daily basis, I asked the Lord to change my desires if singleness was His plan for me.

My desire for marriage didn’t fade, in a way, it almost seemed to get stronger. In my 20s, I always had this desire, but it wasn’t ever at the forefront of my mind. These days, it was.

So again, I wondered if I was doing something wrong. “Am I not a strong enough person that I can’t seem to get rid of this desire?” I would ask myself.

And then I had that dream.

I woke up at 5 am that Tuesday morning and immediately began praying. Soon after, still in bed, I grabbed my phone and typed out the dream in my notes, so I wouldn’t forget the details.

Prior to that dream, I had been missing that soft and contented feeling of peace. I had been praying for it since March, wondering why it wasn’t appearing as soon as I asked for it. I had no clue that God was going to give it to me through a dream, but I really believe that is what happened.

Dreams, like many aspects in life, can very well be misinterpreted or over-spiritualized, I get that. I know that our dreams might just occur because our daily activities lead us to these thoughts in the middle of the night and many times our dreams may not serve a purpose or a reason for occurring.

But I also believe that our God is big enough that if He wants to reveal Himself through a dream, He can do that. Besides, it is indeed scriptural. This dream gave me hope, it gave me joy and like I said above, it gave me peace. Hope, joy and peace come from the Heavenly Father, so I am claiming that this dream did as well.

I am not going to go into detail with my dream, but it transpired in several different scenes. However, I will share one part that I wrote in my note the morning of that dream.

“Eventually there was a man and I couldn’t stop looking at him because I felt like the Lord was giving me a glimpse of my husband and I didn’t want to look away. I felt so much love for him.”

I can’t really describe specific physical characteristics of the man I saw in my dream, but what I can remember is the love that I felt when looking at this man.

Maybe this will be a man that will occur in my future dreams and never exist in reality, maybe this man was Jesus or maybe I was right and God was giving me a glimpse of my one day earthly husband.

So ever since that dream, I have a bit more hope. I can go on dates and then come home from them, knowing I most likely will never see that guy again and that hope is still there.

That is what happened on my date 10. I had been communicating with Elementary School Teacher throughout the summer. We connected on Coffee Meets Bagel on July 10th, but didn’t set up a date until I was back in South Carolina for a few weeks. He lived just under two hours from me, so it took a few weekends to get something set up. When we did, our date was set for August 20th. Going into this date, I felt a different sense of peace and I now contribute that to the dream I had a few days prior.

He told me he would drive to my town, which I was incredibly thankful for, and even chose a restaurant through his own research. I really liked the effort he made to choose a place to eat in a town he wasn’t familiar with. At 6:30 we met at a small Italian restaurant about 15 minutes from my house. When I walked in, I spotted him sitting at the bar with a drink. I walked up and introduced myself, I think we hugged, and then I sat down next to him. After chatting for what seemed to me, over 20 minutes, I began to wonder if we were going to eat at the bar because he made no effort to move to an actual table. I finally asked if he was planning on eating tonight and he said yes and asked me the same question in return. I said yes as well and then asked him if we should move to a table. He agreed and we did.

After looking at the menu, we ordered and continued our conversation from the bar. Since he was a teacher, we had a lot of things to talk about. Soon our conversation moved toward our past relationships and we both shared our stories laced with probably a bit too much detail, but neither one of us seemed to care. From what I could tell we were both enjoying the conversation and interested in what the other person had to say.

After awhile, I knew it must have been getting late and when I took a sneak peek at my phone, it was around 9pm. The waitress still hadn’t brought the check to our table and I made eye contact with her across the room, trying to see if she could read my mind. It wasn’t that I wasn’t having a good time, I was just starting to get a little bit “talked out.” About 15 minutes later, Elementary School Teacher paid for our meal and I asked if he was ready to go. With that, we got up and he walked me out to my car. We both said we had a good time and I thanked him for paying and driving all the way to my town. He told me it was time well spent and mentioned that if I was ever in his area to let him know.

I arrived home 15 minutes later and a text appeared from him. “Let me know when you make it home,” it read. I texted him back and thanked him for the night again. We continued to text back and forth every few days or so. But I think it was shortly after our date, I decided to try the Bumble dating app.

Actually the Saturday after, I had my first Bumble date. I was matched with Mr. Bumble a few days prior. The way the Bumble app works is that the woman has to initiate communication with the man first. I have tried a few different tactics, but when I first got on the app, my immediate message to these men talked about how faith was important in my life (even though my profile stated that as well) and I asked them if it was important to them. Many times that didn’t go over well. I had one man respond with an inappropriate message that almost made me delete the whole thing. I had another man convict me of being in a cult after he told me that he was a Christian, but he didn’t judge people, so he didn’t care if he dated a Christian or not. I told him that I  understood and that was a fine choice for him, but we probably wouldn’t be a great match. He then asked if I thought I was better than him and I tried my best, in a very loving way, to explain that I did not. I went on to further explain that I didn’t want to waste his time, if I knew we wouldn’t be a good match. I think that is when the cult comment came in to play. And you wonder why I still have this app? Yes, me too. Me too.

But Mr. Bumble was different. He told me that he accepted Christ into his life when he was fifteen years old and he didn’t exclaim that I was in a cult, nor question if I thought I was perfect. So that was a start 🙂

A few days later he asked me out and mentioned putt-putting. I agreed and he said that depending on his work schedule, we might even be able to grab dinner beforehand.

And that is exactly what happened on my date 11, my first bumble date. We met for dinner and almost immediately our conversation seemed a bit forced, so I tried to rack my brain to figure out what to talk about. Soon he revealed to me that he was a father of three boys and had gone through a heartbreaking divorce the year prior. I am not sure what the protocol is when people mention their past in this way, but I decided to ask about it. I might have been breaking protocol, but it kept our conversation going.

We spent the rest of dinner talking about his sweet boys. After dinner, we both got in our own cars and drove to the miniature golf place. We played two rounds of mini golf and I remember really having fun. For some reason putt-putting never really sounds like that much fun to me, until I am actually doing it and I remember how much I do enjoy it. It’s a good go-to idea for a date as well. We played two rounds, I think I won one and he won the other. After getting home from my date 11, he texted me and thanked me for the company. I texted him back and told him thanks again and that I had fun putt-putting. His response was, “thanks for going easy on me in putt putt.” I responded with “haha anytime,” and then I went to bed.

But as I lay in bed, I started thinking about Elementary School Teacher and Mr. Bumble’s dates. For some reason, I didn’t think either men were right for me, but I wasn’t going to make that call so soon. However, in the weeks to come, I never heard from Mr. Bumble again and eventually Elementary School Teacher’s texts fizzled out as well. It might have been because I wasn’t showing enough interest back or maybe they became interested in someone else. But this time, I didn’t even care what the reason was. And I didn’t question if I had done anything wrong. I just remember finally feeling like I reached a new level within myself. And that is because after I got home from both dates, I didn’t become sad. I didn’t cry nor did I question why neither one progressed to a second date. Instead I felt peace and I was content. This is how dating should be.

My desire for marriage is still there. And actually, as of lately, I haven’t been asking God to take that desire away anymore. I just continue to pray for patience to wait. I also pray that I don’t miss out on today. That I don’t miss the chances I have today to impact this world because I am too busy looking for my husband.

The reason I am now satisfied with keeping this desire is because it reminded me of when parents give their children Christmas gifts. Many times, within the many gifts wrapped under the tree, there is one gift in particular that is above the others. It is the gift that the child has probably been asking about for a long time. When the child finally gets to that specific gift box, the parents seem almost giddy themselves as they watch their child open it. I have never really experienced this because I am not yet a parent, but I have seen it happen.

giving-gifts

Matthew 7:11 says this, “So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.”

So I don’t think God is waiting for my desire to go away before He blesses me with a husband who will love me for the rest of my life. What would be the point in that?

Does a parent want to wait until the child no longer wants the new game system to give it to him? I don’t think so. The parent finds so much joy in giving the gift to the child at the child’s peak desire for it.

So, what is God waiting for in my situation? It could be for a numerous different reasons. I could have a lot more to learn still or maybe the man that will one day be my husband has a lot more to learn. I don’t know God’s reasoning and I don’t have to. I can learn to trust. I can learn to have patience and I can live in the moment.

Writing about my dream today, made me re-read the note I wrote the morning of that dream. And these were the last words I typed.

“When I woke up, I told the Lord that if that is what He has for me, I could wait. I prayed that he would keep that man safe. I felt so much peace.”

So again, I remind myself, that I can wait. Because my goodness, if that dream ever turns into my reality, I will be one blessed woman.

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. 

Yes, Mrs. Roosevelt, I have to say, I agree with you.

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “My Dream

  1. Wow, you’re an amazing woman of God! How boldly, and unapologetically you share your heart. What a voice you are to other woman who are going through the SAME thing, but even bigger than that, you can reach woman who are married too! Just like when a pastor speaks, the message is useful to different people with different seasons, you speak in a way that it is useful for ALL people. You inspire me to keep dreaming. 💖

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hannah says:

    I can’t tell you how much I enjoy your blog. I think I read the whole thing in a weekend. I really appreciate your perspective on the Christian dating scene, and I feel indebted to you for being the “guinea pig” in these situations, and your humility to share your thoughts and feelings with the world. Everything that you write strikes a chord with me because I feel I can identify with it. That being said, this post has left the biggest impact on me. Your frustration with having a desire to be married, but not seeing that desire be fulfilled and the inner struggle with wondering if the desire is sinful since it doesn’t seem that God is doing anything to help you become married, is something that I don’t think is talked about enough. Now that my friends and I are getting older(ish), I find a few of them, along with myself, having those same thoughts. And the ever-present “You just need to trust in God’s plan for you” is appreciated and true, but worn out. So all of that to say, thank you for your blog and thank you for letting me read it. It really helps to know that I’m not the only one with these thoughts/struggles.

    Like

    • Hannah, Thank you so very much for your words. I agree with you 100% when you say that “it really helps to know that I’m not the only one with these thoughts/struggles.” Comments like these encourage me more than you would ever know. So thank you thank you thank you for leaving a comment and inspiring me to keep writing my truthful thoughts/struggles. Blessings to you!!

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s