Closed Doors

In my last post, Free Communication Weekend!, I briefly mentioned a man that I was communicating with after eHarmony MADE me subscribe again 😉

I didn’t know him well enough to even give him a nickname then, but now that I know how the story goes, let me introduce you to…Mr. JNFT! I will reveal what that stands for soon enough, don’t you worry. I wrote about how I was excited to see where our communication might take us and was looking forward to Mr. JNFT asking me out.

One night we were emailing back and forth on eHarmony and as we were saying goodnight to one another, Mr. JNFT said, “Hey, also how would you feel if we talked on the phone tomorrow? If you’re not comfortable with that yet, I’d understand and we can just stay connected through this.”

I think I literally might have said, “Yes! Good Job!” out loud to myself because I was so thankful he had finally asked. Anyway, I of course told him that would be great and passed along my number. He told me he would call at 5pm the following day.

At 5:07 my phone rang and of course I knew who it was. I answered in a cheerful way and he immediately said hi back and then said, “I am actually kinda nervous, I hope that is okay to say.”

I laughed and thought it was an adorable thing to say and I told him so. To me the conversation started out quite well because by him admitting his nerves, it meant (1) he really did care – which means that he had to be somewhat interested in me and (2) he didn’t take himself too seriously and seemed to have a bit of humility because of it. I like when a guy can admit that a girl makes him nervous.

About halfway into the conversation, I realized how much I was enjoying myself and we continued to talk for over an hour. As the conversation was coming to an end, Mr. JNFT said he should be going soon, so he could get some dinner and I agreed. He asked if he could call me again. I said sure, but then asked him how he felt about meeting sooner rather than later.

I know, I know….why did I do that!! Ugh! It kind of just came out! I was supposed to let the guy take the lead. I was supposed to wait for HIM to ask ME that question.

In one of our email conversations we talked about “chemistry.” I think he was asking me about my experience with relationships and dating and this was part of that conversation.

Me: My biggest “hang up” is just the lack of chemistry when I meet someone. I know that chemistry can build, but if I don’t have at least a little bit of a romantic connection it is hard for me. But telling someone that we lack chemistry is sometimes not the most fun thing! But alas, it needs to be done, so we aren’t wasting time!

Mr. JNFT: I hear you on the chemistry thing! It really is important, and understandable to end things over it. Not that every second has to be butterflies, but if there’s no special spark than it just becomes two nice people who get along and hang out for convenience. Which isn’t what should be especially in the beginning of a relationship when things are new and you’re getting to know one another!

Me: I love that you understand the chemistry thing! I haven’t waited this long to just date/marry another nice person that I “could” potentially see myself loving one day. If that were the case, I would have gotten married ten years ago. So I am not looking for butterflies all of the time, but I am looking for someone that I desire to be with and someone that I think about when I am not with.

Mr. JNFT: Yes, I totally agree about chemistry! I believe God uses that to find the right one.

So knowing we agreed about that conversation above, I guess when I suggested meeting on the phone, I was trying to protect both of us. I really did not want to have several more hour long conversations before I met him because what if we didn’t “click” in person. So that was my reasoning for bringing it up. When I did, he said that he thought that would be a good idea and the only reason he was waiting was to make sure I felt comfortable. I told him that I thought that might be the case and I was comfortable with meeting him.

We briefly discussed getting together the upcoming Sunday. He then asked if I thought we shouldn’t communicate before then.

I stumbled through my words explaining that a ton of long phone conversations might not be the best idea but I told him I didn’t mind texting.

Me: So I would be fine if you sent me a text every now and then letting me know you were thinking of me.

Mr. JNFT: I don’t think I will do that. I sometimes get too eager in the beginning of the communication stage and need to be careful about that.

I told him I understood (although I was taken back a bit) and we hung up.

I think it was two days later and I hadn’t heard from him. Or maybe it was the next day…I can’t remember.

While I do understand that he wanted to protect his heart, I was confused by the no communication after our phone conversation. If he were to send me a text, it would have shown me at least a tiny bit of interest and I would have been way more excited to meet him. So I started wondering if maybe I didn’t convey myself well on the phone and I messed that up.

So I started replaying our conversation in my head and I remembered right before we said goodbye he said how much he enjoyed talking to me. But I didn’t say it back. The reason was because I was still wondering if me bringing up meeting him was a bad move or not. So I accidently forgot to tell him that I also enjoyed our conversation because I was just too much “in my own head” when we said goodbye that evening.

So now I began to wonder if he even knew if I was interested or not. Would that affect him wanting to meet me? I decided to send him a text. Which might have been another bad idea.

Me: So, I was thinking about our phone conversation on the way home from work today and thought I would tell you that I love that you told me you were nervous. I also feel just a tad bit badly for bringing up meeting each other. I hope you are sure that you are okay with that.

He responsed to me two hours later.

Mr. JNFT: Yeah, everyone gets nervous talking to someone the first time, I thought it would lighten the mood to just call it out. Well to be honest, this Sunday won’t work for me anyways, so why don’t we try tentatively for next Saturday.

Me: Sure!!!

I didn’t really know what else to say, but I threw in a few exclamation points to be safe. Because no where in that text was there any reassurance that it was okay that I brought up meeting him. Nor was there anything in that text that showed me he was still interested or willing to pursue me other than the fact that he might want to meet the following week still.

But then again, I knew he was probably trying to be careful. But at this point I really needed SOMETHING. I needed some kind of text or message to make me smile and excited to meet the man. I began to wonder if maybe me bringing up that he was nervous felt more like a diss than a compliment to him. I had meant to try and encourage him, but the way he responded almost seemed like he was defending himself about being nervous.

So after another few days went by without hearing from him, I sent him a message through eHarmony. I do realize I am probably now on strike three.

Me: I hope you don’t feel like I have lost interest after talking with you on the phone. So just in case those feelings did creep up, I wanted to let you know, that I hadn’t. Now..how’s the interest on your end?! ha!

I had no idea how he was feeling and I was tired of wondering every day what he was thinking and what I did wrong or how my words came across to him. So I decided to just ask.

Mr. JNFT: Hey, I’m going to respectfully back away. I’m just not feeling this. I wish you the best and I know God’s got someone very special for you. Take care.

My stomach dropped a bit after reading that, but he did give me the answer I was looking for. However, I was a bit confused, so I figured, why not ask one more thing.

MeThank you so much for letting me know! I really appreciate it and enjoyed our communication the time that we had. May I ask you just one question though, for learning experiences on my end. Would it have been different if I didn’t bring up meeting you? I guess I’m just curious what turned you off?

Mr. Just Not Feeling This (do you understand his nickname now?!) did not respond and a few days later the disappointment that I felt dissipated. Mainly because I knew that he was right. God has someone REALLY SPECIAL for me and he obviously was not it. He probably saved us from the pain of meeting and having that awkward conversation that there wouldn’t be a second date.

He had told me previously that he had already been praying about us and therefore I knew God closed this door 100%.

However, I also know that I messed up.

I messed up by not letting him lead and by over-analyzing too many things. I will certainly work on both of these aspects next time. Which is ironic because I am not the girl that “comes on too strong,” that is exactly the opposite of who I am! But because of my past experiences, I have realized it is better to meet sooner rather than later. But regardless, I need to not rush the process and let the guy do the pursuing and ask me out when he is ready.

But I do not regret being open and honest with him. I do not regret asking him where his interest was because I don’t believe that relationships or “beginning of communications” should be confusing. So I will always continue to be upfront about my feelings and ask when I am unclear about the other person’s.

Because after all, to me that is one aspect that makes a relationship great – you don’t have to wonder and ask how the other one is feeling. It’s when you already know because they communicate that to you.

I realize that with Mr. Just Not Feeling This, it was way too early for us to even be at that stage of communiating well with one another, but it is what I hope and pray for in the future.

And for some reason, his lack of response at the end just bothered me. If the situation were reversed, I would have responded and answered the guy’s question. So it got me wondering….I really do wonder why people all of a sudden stop responding to someone.

With Mr. Just Not Feeling This, I could surmise. But it would be just that, a guess. But what I surmise is that he probably felt like the response that he gave me ended our communication in “take care” and no other closure was needed. He probably didn’t feel like he needed to explain himself after that. And maybe he didn’t.

I know that if Mr. Just Not Feeling This was who God intended for me to date and marry, everything I actually “messed up” wouldn’t have mattered. I take comfort in knowing that every single situation that doesn’t work out just means I am one step closer to finding the sitution that will. If God has someone else planned that fits me even better than any of the other guys I have had the privledge to meet and go on dates with, then I am more than willing to allow God to close as many doors as He would like. Actually, that is pretty much my exact prayer to Him.

Keep closing them doors Lord, because soon, I know you will open one.

But I won’t pretend this process is easy.

With Mr. Just Not Feeling This’s lack of response, It got me thinking back to the other conversations I had with some men on dating apps. There were five men in particular where conversation just haulted and it wasn’t because I was the one that stopped responding. All five men had interested me because they had written something in their profiles regarding their faith and so of course that stood out to me.

So I decided to take my own advice in regards to transparency and communication and ask them why they quit responding to me. So I sent all five guys the same message.

My message to them said this: “I know this is a hit or miss..but I’m gonna try…so…I write blog posts about dating. And my next one is going to be about guys that stop responding to girls and their reasoning for it (or vice versa). So with that said, can you give me your reason of why you never responded to me. I know this is an awkward request…haha..but I don’ have anything to lose 😉

You all think I am crazy right about now, don’t you???

But guess what! 2 out of the 5 responded to me!

So stay tuned to what I learned in my next post. I am kinda excited to share about it.

I might not have gone on many dates lately, but I am at least getting some good blog post material 😉

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6 thoughts on “Closed Doors

  1. Kirk Chwialkowski says:

    Thanks for sharing Elisa. Once again, you are the real deal and authentic. Your communication will be an excellent attribute when that Man of God shows up honey.
    He will appreciate and hold that attribute tightly throughout your lives, for it is precious. I know, for I am married to a Lady just like that 🙂

    Like

  2. Sarah says:

    Your blog ‘almost’ makes me think online dating might not be completely hopeless. I’m 33, haven’t been on a date in over 11 years (no one’s asked), and have tried eharmony, match, eharmony again and christian mingle… all matches stalling out before getting through the guided portion of the app.

    With a track record like that it’s hard to NOT think there’s something wrong with me. My girl friends assure me that’s not true… but those insecurities have been creeping back in again lately.

    Anyway, I appreciate the candid account of your experiences. It’s hard to find other single women in their 30s who love Jesus and understand the struggle. 🙂

    Like

    • Hi Sweet Sarah! Thank you so much for your comment! Like you said, when I am connected to other women like-minded in similar life stages, it makes me feel a bit less alone. I bet we would be awesome friends! I understand the feeling of thinking “something is wrong with me.” Every time that creeps into my head, I have to remind myself that it is a lie. Satan can use that lie with us because he knows it is an easy lie for single women (and men) to believe. Actually many women (and men) in marriages are believing that same lie because they don’t feel loved by their spouse. So when it creeps in, I tell myself I will NOT let Satan win today. Sometimes, it is a daily reminder, but that is okay. I would rather remind myself of that daily, then believe the lie. Satan’s goal is to destroy the family unit and how else can he do that besides make us think we are not good enough or we are unlovable (therefore allowing single women to eventually settle for less than God’s best or bringing marriages to end). But know, I understand you and I GET you…100%. So let’s pray for one another and remind each other truth! We always need more of that in our lives! Thanks again for the blessing you have given me in your comment.

      Like

  3. I 100% agree with you on wanting to meet a guy sooner rather than later… everything can be great on paper and over the phone, but then a total flop in real life. I personally don’t think it’s a big deal that you asked him to meet when you did (just my opinion!)

    Also, I love that you messaged those guys and I’m interested to hear what they have to say! (I have my assumptions…)

    Proud of you for continuing to put yourself out there!! 👏🏼

    Like

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