Does anyone remember my little experiment that I briefly mentioned at the end of my last post? I meant to write a lot sooner, but my schedule just didn’t allow. However, as much as I have going on right now, I will admit, writing and posting these little glimpses of my life to you all rank pretty high on the list. You really will never know how much I appreciate you reading and caring about my life.
To all my single women out there (especially those who go out on dates or meet guys via the internet and/or dating apps….sigh), have you ever wondered why all of a sudden it seems like the guy drops off the face of the Earth? I’ve had that happen to me a few times in the past six months or so. But then as I started to evaluate my own actions, I know I have done that to guys as well….sigh. I will get better.
But anyway, curiousity got the best of me and I wanted to know why five different men that I had communicated with for a small length of time, never responded back to me.
So….I asked them!
Two guys responded back within a short period of time. Three others, I never heard from.
One of my favorite guys that I talked with ended up responding pretty much right away, which is very commendable. Mr. Commendable and I had connected on the app Coffee Meets Bagel at the beginning of August. I seem to rarely connect with guys on that app mostly because half of the time I forget to sign on and the other half of the time…well I don’t find profiles like this….
–I am looking for someone that loves Jesus.
–I appreciate when my date is kind, motivated, confident, honest and upfront. Must have an active relationship with Jesus. I’m looking for someone who can have serious conversations but who is always up for a good laugh.
That was the profile of Mr. Commendable, can you tell why he is a favorite?
Mr. Commendable messaged me first saying this, “Hey there! Do you currently live in (enter my town here)?”
Me: I do! Which is not ideal that we connected and live so far away, and also our age difference. (He lived about three hours from me and he was six years younger.) But I couldn’t resist when I saw your love for the Lord. That’s very rare to find!
Mr. Commendable: I know, I thought the same thing. If you lived closer, I would have at least wanted to get coffee or dinner with you.
Me: Yeah I know…I usually just scroll through profiles looking for the name of Jesus. Most of the time, this app is pointless for me. But I can see how it might work better for you being in a larger city.
Mr. Commendable: I just started using this app a couple of days ago, but I would think so too. Can you tell me, have you been married before? It’s hard for me to believe that someone like you would not have gotten married unless it was your choice?
Me: Ha! Oh yes, the common question of … “Why are you still single?” I’ve never been married.
I went on to give my usual answer and then he said…
Mr. Commendable: You’re not planning on moving to (enter his city name here) anytime soon, are you? 😉
Me: That made me smile. No plans as of right now 😉
Mr. Commendable: And yes the age difference is a factor, but hey, I’d still take you on a date!
How sweet is he?
Me: Well…if you’re ever in my town…let me know! 😉
Mr. Commendable: Don’t test me! You never know I may actually do that, haha! I do visit some friends kinda near you once or twice a weekend to attend football games with them.
Me: Or you could get a group of your friends to come over and I can gather around some of my friends for a game night!
Mr. Commendable: That actually sounds like a lot of fun! Do you mind if I ask for your number?
I gave him my number and he gave me his full name while stating, “In case you wanted to look me up.”
Me: I’ll look you up when you tell me you’re coming…. 😉
Mr. Commendable: Haha, you’re clever!
Me: I am a middle school math teacher…I have to be…
….and you are now googling “Middle School Math Teacher” and my name, aren’t you?!
Mr. Commendable: I swear I didn’t do it! But I would be lying if I said I didn’t think about it!!! I am laughing out loud right now because I totally do that stuff! You’ve gotta find out if the important stuff is there as much as you can, so it is not a waste of time.
Me: Well if you find the one with the criminal record…I am the other one.
Eventually we switched to texting after I gave him my number. The above conversation all took place on the app itself.
After texting for a bit, Mr. Commendable asked if I wanted to FaceTime. I told him I would, but then explained that I no longer had an iPhone. He ended up just calling anyway and we talked for about 20 minutes or something like that.
He was easy to talk to and I enjoyed myself. Even though we kind of established up front, that distance was an obstacle, I thought maybe I could win him over with my witty charm 😉 and he would want to come visit. Because after all, it was his idea to Facetime (or talk on the phone like we ended up doing).
I was wrong. I didn’t hear from him afterwards.
About two weeks later, I was telling my friend the story of how I connected with Mr. Commendable and I started wondering how he was doing, so I sent him a text.
“How’s the Coffee Meet Bagel app treating you these days? Find any more middle school math teachers with criminal records? I am sitting at the pool with a friend and she asked me about the apps and it made me think of you.”
So a month later is when I sent the question about asking him why he never responded.
Me: I know this is a hit or miss..but I’m gonna try…so…I write blog posts about dating. And my next one is going to be about guys that stop responding to girls and their reasoning for it (or vice versa). So with that said, can you give me your reason of why you never responded to me. I know this is an awkward request…haha..but I don’t have anything to lose 😉
Mr. Commendable: Hey, that’s not a problem at all. I don’t know if you remember but we talked on the phone for a while and I would have honestly asked you out, if we didn’t live so far apart. So this doesn’t apply to you, but I will go ahead and tell you the reasons why I stop responding to other women.
Here are his words:
“If I begin a conversation and they respond, then I will do some research online about them to see if I can find out more about them. If I see them drinking, partying, using inappropriate language or wearing inappropriate clothing, I immediately cut off the conversation. Also, I am not gonna lie, if I find out that the photos they have posted on the app do not reflect the photos that I find in my research, I will also stop responding.”
I really appreciated his response, but I was a bit confused. I wanted to know why he personally chose to ignore the last text that I sent him when I was sitting at the pool.
So I texted him back and asked about that.
Then I confused him. He wrote back and said that he didn’t ignore me and that we talked on the phone after the last text I sent him. He asked me if he missed a text and sent me a screen shot of our texting conversation.
The last messages that I saw in the screen shot that he sent were me telling him I didn’t have an iPhone for FaceTime and then the one I sent him about asking him to contribute some thoughts for my latest blog post. The message that I sent him in between at the pool, wasn’t there.
So I sent him a screen shot of that message and he told me that his phone sometimes has issues receiving text messages.
He texted back and said this, “Yeah, so I definitely would have responded to you. You’re the most genuine person I’ve met on these apps thus far.”
That was sweet of him to say, and so since he was responding to me now, I decided to pick his brain a bit more.
I asked him what he did when he found information out about women that he didn’t like. I wanted to know if he just quit responding to them cold turkey or he offered them an explanation.
He told me that he did just stop responding because he felt if he were upfront and honest with them, it would just make him sound judgmental and would be hurtful for the girls. He told me that he connected with one girl, but when he looked through her instagram, he saw promiscuous pictures despite the fact she was “saying all the right things” through text. He mentioned that she was very attractive, but the pictures made him feel that it wasn’t worth a date. He said he really thought about texting her and telling her something along the lines of “I think we are looking for different kinds of people,” but then decided against it because of course she would want to know what that meant and he felt by pointing out her promiscuous instagram pictures, he would come across as being prideful and judgmental.
And he is probably right. I thankfully don’t have to worry about a guy telling me that, but if I tried to put myself into another girl’s situation, I can see her getting really defensive and I am sure it would hurt.
I kinda wish she had a close friend that would tell her. But then again, she might not see anything wrong with the pictures she posted. So therefore, Mr. Commendable would be 100% right. They were looking for different people. Since he found her attractive, I am sure she will not have any problems finding dates with men. Maybe she will even get more dates because of the pictures she posted. But the question is, what kind of men would they be exactly? Men that would treat her with respect and love her heart, just as much as her body?
I cannot even begin to tell you how much respect Mr. Commendable gained from me at that very moment, which makes his nickname even more fitting. I didn’t even know the man, but I was so proud of him. Especially because he was still in his mid-twenties and he ALREADY knew what kind of women he wanted. I am sure decisions like that are not easy for him and I am sure that he spends some lonely weekends because of the decisions he makes, but I can already just imagine the blessings he will reap for it.
It reminds me of one of my favorite verses that I know I have shared before.
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
Every time I read that verse, tears well up in my eyes. And it just happened again as I typed it out above.
Because I know what it is like to give up fleshly desires. I know how hard it is to wait on something that I cannot yet see. And when you are working in the field day in and day out – when you are planting seeds and moving around the dirt – when you are breaking your back trying to stand up for what is good – and you cannot yet see the harvest, it is hard! Very hard.
But KNOWING the harvest is coming, is what keeps you from not giving up. I am sure Mr. Commendable (if he is not yet dating…) wonders when his harvest will come, just as I wonder that as well (probably more so because of my age … it was a bit easier for me at the age of 26), but from the little I already know about him, he is making good decisions.
There aren’t many guys out there like him. And I know that seems pessimistic to say, but it is true. Can you imagine having a husband one day that chooses you because you DIDN’T have promiscuous pictures plastered on the internet? Imagine having a husband that had the opportunity to date really attractive women and chose not to because he was looking for character that matched the outward beauty. Then imagine him choosing you instead…that gives me butterflies just thinking about it.
Mr. Commendable asked me for the name of this blog post and then later that day, sent me this text:
“I am not going to give you advice because it seems like you may have heard it all by this point. But I want to tell you that you’re doing a good job and I have a lot of respect for you. Don’t take this as me hitting on you or trying to gain more of your approval because that is not what I am trying to do right now. If I have learned one thing, I have learned that God WILL use your life circumstances for good. And sometimes He makes us more dependent on Him by his taking away (or withholding).”
That meant so much to me and I responded letting him know that. I didn’t take it that he was “hitting on me.” Instead I took it as a reminder of Galations 6:9.
He then said to me, “It’s funny because I feel like you’re what I’ll be like in six years :)”
I honestly wasn’t 100% sure what he meant by that, but I never asked.
I have hoped that over this football season, I would get a random text from him that he would be driving through my town and would be interested in meeting up. But that text never came. Maybe one day it will. I am not sure.
So despite the fact that we never got to meet because of distance, I am so glad that God brought him into my life, even if it was just for the conversations that I wrote about in this post. He is a blessing and an encouragement to me. And I hope there are many more men out there like him….particularly in my sixty mile radius! 😉
The second guy that responded to my inquiry of never responding back to me said it was because of distance as well. He lived about two hours from me and in a bigger city, so there were more options for him there. I get that. It would have been nice if he would have told me that from the beginning, so I wouldn’t have had to ask a month later, but I guess he didn’t owe me anything.
And like I said at the beginning, three never responded to me. So their answers could have been different. But what I am so thankful for is that I do not have to worry about men searching the internet and finding inappropriate pictures of me. Now, they may find this blog post….and that could be a turn off to some…but I guess I take my chances! 😉
But here is what I learned about the situation with Mr. Commendable. You will never really ever know why someone doesn’t respond to you. I know that is not helpful and if you just read through this entire post, hoping I had some great revelation for you, I am sorry.
Before asking Mr. Commendable about his lack of response, I was thinking that maybe I said something in our phone conversation that he didn’t like. Did I ask too many questions? Did I not ask enough questions? Did he think my voice was annoying?
And the reality was…he never received my text.
Please don’t think I am giving you advice to text a guy AGAIN after not hearing from him. Because I believe with my whole heart that if a guy is into a woman, he will contact her. Period. So if a guy doesn’t respond or contact you after awhile, I say move on. Easier said than done – I realize that. But if you must ask, like I have to sometimes, just be ready for the answer and receive it with class.
Mr. Commendable said up front that the distance was the issue. So yes, he is a nice guy and has responded to the texts that he has actually received from me, but I knew I wasn’t going to be pursued by the guy. So I should have left it at that and not over-analyzed our phone conversation for no reason at all. But I am a girl…and alas, I over-analyze everything…way too stinkin’ much. Another thing I am working on.
And the irony of it all is that I will be in his town this coming weekend for a conference on Saturday. I didn’t think about it until writing this post just now, but I am a tiny bit tempted to ask him to meet up. Then again, what would be the point, right?
Oh the life of a single woman… 😉